Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Back to square one

One of the things that I haven't been taking care of is my health. With all the "surprises" that seem to keep coming, things like eating healthy and exercising has taken a back seat. I've had moments in which I exercise and do well, until the next surprise occurs and then I'm back to eating Bon Bons all day. And the only type of arm exercise I use, is when I'm shoveling food into my mouth.

I'm tired of grieving. I feel like I should hurry up and get it over with. Sometimes it feels I have gotten past my miscarriage; And then I hear a cry of a baby, I see a picture of my newborn nephew, or receive an invitation to another baby shower, and then I'm sobbing uncontrollably.

My mind often wanders back to the day that I was in the doctor's office. I should have heard my baby's heartbeat and instead there was only... silence.

I miss RM. I wish he didn't have to work so far. I love my alone time and I REALLY missed it when RM was unemployed. But now I wish I saw him more often. Seeing him only on weekends isn't enough time.

So, maybe there isn't a time limit to grief- that's probably what I need to accept. And it's hard not to see RM walk through the door every evening. But I'm going to hold on to that hope that he finds something closer to home. There's always hope.

In the mean time, feeling sorry for myself isn't going to help me shed the extra weight. I don't feel good. I don't fit into my pants and when I look in the mirror, I always look so ...sad.

It's time to go back to square one.

I'm recommitting myself to exercising and eating healthy. I can't control what happens outside of me. But I can control what I do to my health.

Yes, I am back to writing about my road to weight loss and being healthy! My goal is to write about it on a daily basis, but I'll be turning off the comments when the subject is about weight because the writing is just for me. And when I write about other stuff, the comments will be on!

I'm excited and scared of this new goal. I'm not sure if I'll fail or go back to eating Bons Bons all day when life has another surprise. I can't worry about that- for now I'll just take it one step at a time.

Food for Thought: “There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth...not going all the way, and not starting."

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