I haven't seen or talked to my father for over ten years. My parents were divorced when I was only two years old and I haven't seen much of him over the years. I always felt the relationship was one sided...my side. Each visit drained me emotionally because I knew that his kids with his current wife came first and I could tell that my visits were awkward for him. When I was fifteen years old, I couldn't live at home with my mother and her husband and asked to live with him. He said No. It really does a number on your psyche when both your parents choose their spouses over you. I went and lived in foster homes, but despite their rejection, I still wanted a relationship with them.
After a lot of soul searching, I realized that I needed to let my father go. If he wanted a relationship with me, he would pick up where I left off. He didn't and that was over ten years ago. It was hard letting go and the decision wasn't easy because though I hoped my father would call or visit me, I knew it would never happen.
And then I get a call from a sister. She told me that our father has kept track of my family. He knows where I live and what my family has been up to. He's kept up with news of my son's football and other sports. And that he wants a relationship. As my sister told me this over the phone, I was in shock. The news was unexpected and I hurriedly got off the phone and started sobbing.
I thought I would feel nothing. I've worked hard to feel numb and not care. I believed that I achieved that until that damn phone call! Why the hell does he want a relationship now? I have developed a thick skin when it comes to my parents and now my father wants be a part of my life?! Why doesn't he call me, instead of being a chicken sh*** and having my sister call????
I have gone through years of therapy to get over my parent's rejection and part of my binging that had me at over 200 lbs was because of them. I ate over their rejection and now that I feel like I have my life back in order...my father wants back in. His kids want a relationship too.
I can't go back there now. I have less than one year with my son before he goes to college and I want his last year at home to be uneventful. I cannot afford to risk having my heart broken again. It's taken a long time to get rid of old tapes and I want to move forward. One day I'll call my father and see if he still wants a relationship, but it's not going to be anytime soon.
Food for Thought: "Any man can be a father, but it takes a special person to be a dad"
(I dedicate this quote to my father in law. He was my dad & I miss him.)
2 days ago