Tuesday, September 8, 2009

A request from the past

I haven't seen or talked to my father for over ten years. My parents were divorced when I was only two years old and I haven't seen much of him over the years. I always felt the relationship was one sided...my side. Each visit drained me emotionally because I knew that his kids with his current wife came first and I could tell that my visits were awkward for him. When I was fifteen years old, I couldn't live at home with my mother and her husband and asked to live with him. He said No. It really does a number on your psyche when both your parents choose their spouses over you. I went and lived in foster homes, but despite their rejection, I still wanted a relationship with them.

After a lot of soul searching, I realized that I needed to let my father go. If he wanted a relationship with me, he would pick up where I left off. He didn't and that was over ten years ago. It was hard letting go and the decision wasn't easy because though I hoped my father would call or visit me, I knew it would never happen.

And then I get a call from a sister. She told me that our father has kept track of my family. He knows where I live and what my family has been up to. He's kept up with news of my son's football and other sports. And that he wants a relationship. As my sister told me this over the phone, I was in shock. The news was unexpected and I hurriedly got off the phone and started sobbing.

I thought I would feel nothing. I've worked hard to feel numb and not care. I believed that I achieved that until that damn phone call! Why the hell does he want a relationship now? I have developed a thick skin when it comes to my parents and now my father wants be a part of my life?! Why doesn't he call me, instead of being a chicken sh*** and having my sister call????

I have gone through years of therapy to get over my parent's rejection and part of my binging that had me at over 200 lbs was because of them. I ate over their rejection and now that I feel like I have my life back in order...my father wants back in. His kids want a relationship too.

I can't go back there now. I have less than one year with my son before he goes to college and I want his last year at home to be uneventful. I cannot afford to risk having my heart broken again. It's taken a long time to get rid of old tapes and I want to move forward. One day I'll call my father and see if he still wants a relationship, but it's not going to be anytime soon.

Food for Thought: "Any man can be a father, but it takes a special person to be a dad"
(I dedicate this quote to my father in law. He was my dad & I miss him.)


Diane, Fit to the Finish said...

I just wanted to tell you that I have experienced something similiar and it is very painful.

I think you are wise to have a calm senior year for your son.

My thoughts - if your Dad really wants a relationship with you, then perhaps he should be the one to reach out to you. That's what I'd want if it were me.

Big Girl said...

Oh my. I am so sorry for the relationships you've had with your parents. That must have been so hard, I can't even imagine. Life really isn't suppose to be like that.

I can't offer you any advise other than to follow your heart and protect it fiercely.


Wendy said...

I am so sorry to hear that you had to go through that as a child and an adult...it was not fair that your parents did that to you.

It sounds like your dad realized that you are important to him and is trying to make it up to you...a little late in life......but like you said...he needs to come to you, not through your sister.
I would be really upset too.

Do what you feel is best for you and your family.

If your dad really wants to be a part of your life then he will wait.
And if that day comes...it would be nice if Moe got to know his grandpa and you get know your dad......just follow your heart...it will take you where you need to go.

Good luck!


Anonymous said...


Jenn said...

Wow, I can't imagine how painful these experiences with your parents have been for you. As a parent myself, I don't understand how someone would choose anything over their own child...
You now need to take care of yourself and your son, and I think you are so right in wanting to have a great year with him before he goes off to college. Your dad has waited this long to reach out - he can wait a bit longer.

Lisa eats too much pizza said...

wow. We could be twins. My mom's FOURTH husband said he didn't want to raise kids again so we had to leave. My brother and sister had their own dad. My bio dad had his own new family. I know you will do whatever is best for you. I am hear to listen.

Gigi said...

My heart breaks for the childhood you had and the difficulties in dealing with it as an adult. I had one great parent and one that has always chose other people and his own ambitions over his kids.

I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. Protect yourself and your family. Trust does not come easily after it's been broken even once.

Cammy said...

Wishing you peace...

Shelley said...

I'm so sorry for what you went through in your childhood...that's just not right. Kudos to you for wanting to keep YOUR child's life free from any trauma. Sending you a hug and a lot of support!

Patty said...

I am so sorry H.K., and all the others that had non-existent or just bad parents. I guess I hit the parent jackpot, but them I never had the honor of being a parent myself. Maybe you have to know what bad parenting is in order to be a good parent. And it sure sounds like you have that nailed!

Crystal said...

I absolutely love your quote. I can't imagine what kind of childhood you had. My parents fought over my brother and me so I have never known what it felt like to not be wanted. I wish you peace and to do what your heart and head says.